21 rules for getting on with new flatmates
Written By David Ellis September 2013
You’re moving in. There are strangers. The first meeting is always awkward.
But this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. There are just a few things to remember…
1. DON’T STEAL FOOD
2. DON’T BE TOO KEEN
3. DON’T USE CATCH-PHRASES FROM HOME
People won’t understand. There’ll be awkward silences. These are new friends, remember? Introduce your lingo one word at a time.
4. STOP MENTIONING FRIENDS FROM HOME
If they’re so brilliant, why not go back and hang out with them?
No-one wants to compete against people they’ve never met.
5. SHHHHH ABOUT YOUR ABSENT BF/GF
Boooorriiing. We all know they’ll be dead to you by Christmas, anyway.
6. DON’T STEAL DRINKS
7. BUT ALWAYS SHARE.
Admittedly, try and be less terrifying about it.
8.CLEAN UP YOUR MESS
Your mother is obliged by the horrific rules of parenthood to put up with that shit, your new flatmates aren’t.
9. BUT DON’T BE ‘THAT BITCH’
Don’t have a go at someone if they don’t clean up immediately. Be reasonable.
10. GOT A PROBLEM? TALK ABOUT IT
Got an issue with someone? Just be straightforward about it. Passive aggressive notes are the fedora of sorting issues. Ie, they’re incredibly lame. Slapping is never going to end well, either.
11. BE AROUND. KEEP YOUR DOOR OPEN.
No-one likes a hermit.
12. DON’T GO HOME TOO OFTEN
Otherwise people will start to think you’re this guy:
13. POLITICS. AVOID THEM.
This will happen:
14. SAME GOES FOR RELIGION.
Everyone just keep schtum.
15. GO OUT TOGETHER
Don’t just stick with your course mates.
16. DON’T FIGHT OVER MONEY
Money fights are a different thing, of course.And yes, this is easier said than done. But accept buying rounds and recognise sometimes you’ll have to split some things by group, and not necessarily by the exact amount everyone owes. If you can be cool about a few pence here and there, you’ll make better friends in the long run.
17. BOYS, DON’T LEAVE THE SEAT UP.
And girls, don’t moan about it.
18. IF YOU HAVE A CAR, OFFER LIFTS.
…and if you take a lift, always always always pay petrol money.
19. EVERYONE GETS DRUNK, NO JUDGING.
20. THE REALLY BAD PHOTOS? DELETE ‘EM
Public humiliation of people you’ve just met is never going to go well.
But the number one rule?
21. NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR FLATMATE
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS WORK.
But hopefully, at the end of the week, getting home to your flat will be something like this:
…and drunk talk will revolve around these five words…